Life Cycle Adoption Issues At-A-Glance

Developing trust and security

Emotional Challenges in
Toddler Adoption:
- Making a major transition to a new home and parents; plus new experiences on every sensory level
- Grief and loss, disorientation, the need to acclimate, adapt and adjust to their new life
- May need help with trust and attachment

(Newborn adoption most typically does not involve these adjustment issues.)

Provide love and security to baby.

Happy to be parents

Reality of becoming parents

Emotional Challenges for parents:
- Release of complex emotions related to their family building experiences
- Some parents experience a post-adoption depression - Claiming and feeling entitled or even permitted to parent their child.
- Parents of toddlers try to understand their child's needs and to help them to adjust

Complex loss and other emotions

Grief Process

Multiple Losses which may also include loss of attention from adoptive parents

Dual task of needing to understand the importance of the adoptive parents claiming their child; while experiencing their own needs and feelings of loss.

Role and/or goal confusion

Feeling trust, security and usually happiness

Transitional reactions in toddler adoption

Parenting joys and realities

Typical parental insecurity; try to build confidence as parents

Emotional Challenges:
- Typical parental ambivalence that they may judge themselves for because they wanted the child so much
- Resurfaced grief about the losses that brought them to adoption.
- Post Adoption Depression which may occur in women or men. -Dual task of claiming their child and incorporating that their child has another set of parents.
- Becoming comfortable talking about adoption with family, friends and to some degree strangers - Complexities in Open Adoptions

Working through stages of grief.

Making peace with their decision.

Coming to terms with their role definition in relation to their child and sometimes to the adoptive parents as well.

Incorporating the role of birth parent into their sense of identity.

Developing other aspects of their lives.

For those adopted as newborns - the usual developmental issues.

Children adopted as infants or toddlers may have separation, sleep, transition or attachment issues.

Can grasp emotional message that adoption story is special and that he/she is loved.

May parrot the adoption story but are too young to grasp what adoption really means.

*Question "did I grow in your tummy" often occurs at around age 4.

Feelings of confidence as a parent may be uneven if child is anxious, sad, or having difficulty connecting and settling in.

Can be self-conscious about child's issues in social situations.

Seeking help and support to understand child's nonverbal communications and behaviors.

May begin to think about how they will tell their child about adoption and how they will feel about doing this.

*Parents will want to prepare for the "tummy question" as it is typically a mother's first chance to answer a question related to adoption; and to learn how she really feels about talking to her child about adoption. (Dad's may be asked too.)

Level of contact with adoptive family may shift.

Not uncommon for some birthmothers to pull back from contact with adoptive family at this stage.

Less frequently some adoptive families pull back at this stage; particularly with adoptive families who have been educated about open adoption. This is extremely painful to birth mothers who placed their trust in these families.

Anniversary Reactions and Memories of pregnancy, birth, child, etc.

Developing coping skills to live with loss.

Developing other aspects of their lives.

Likes adoption story and may parrot the story.

Accepts that the adoption story is happy "because my parents said so."

Typically define family by who lives in the home.

Child begins to ask many questions about babies and birth; and begins to grasp that families are formed in different ways.

Children can grasp they have birth parents at this stage; but most do not ascribe emotional meaning to this yet. Some do.

Notices and has some feelings about differences, especially if in multicultural or multiracial family.

Some parents may feel some uncertainty or insecurity talking to child about adoption and particularly talking about birth parents.

Feelings and questions about being public about the way their family was built may occur: Who to tell? What to do about telling school?

This is a good time for parents to do some personal work on how they feel about being a family formed through adoption and talking with their child about adoption. Counseling or a parent support group; or even reading and attending conferences can be helpful.

Level of contact with adoptive family may shift.

Typically take the lead from adoptive parents and welcome the information and communication about how the child is doing.

Anniversary Reactions and Memories

Developing other aspects of their lives.

Child can understand basic concepts of adoption:
- they have birth and adoptive parents
- adoption occurred for a reason

With this increased awareness child may feel sad about not knowing their birth parents; and even those adopted as newborns often have a normal adaptive grieving process.

Wonder "Why didn't they keep me?" and/or an increasing interest in birth parents.

Realize "not everyone is adopted like me." Does not like being different and enjoys knowing adopted peers and joining adoption peer groups.

With the awareness that an adoption plan had been made, may feel some insecurity and wonder what makes love permanent. May test parents' attachment to them.

As child's awareness increases, the child experiences a normal phase of sadness and ambivalence about being adopted. This can be painful for parents to experience.

Compassion for their child's wishes to know more about birth family; and concerns about being compared to birth parents and the life that could have been.

Parents need to learn to acknowledge the feelings that their child has are normal feelings for an adopted child; and to face their own insecurities. Counseling or adoptive parent groups may help.

Concerns about how their child will understand the more difficult aspects of their stories.

Concerns about their child's self esteem.

Need to stay centered when their child tests the bounds of their relationship and family rules.

For the first time the child may express genuine interest in learning more about or seeing birth parents.

Adoptive families may want to increase openness in adoption when possible.

May have increased opportunity for communication with child and adoptive parents.

Impact of nurture on child can be disconcerting to birthparents.

Birth parents may fear being negatively judged by child.

Child may or may not want to relate to them after meeting them once or twice and this may stir up additional feelings of loss and some disappointment.

Anniversary Reactions and Memories

Developing other aspects of their lives.

Need to separate, become more independent and to define their identity.

Adopted teens face dual task and complexity of identifying and psychologically separating from 2 sets of parents; often without sufficient birth family information.

Issue of identity takes on a heightened meaning for adopted teens as they sort out the complexities of nature vs. nurture vs. what is unique about them.

Some adopted teens fear loss of adoptive family because they lost birth family and this fear complicates the separation-individuation goals of this life phase. This insecurity contributes to their anxiety and acting out.

Sexuality brings with it more awareness about both birth parents and associations to their birth and losses. May wonder more deeply about birth father for the first time.

Feelings of loss, concerns about separation from their child.

Due to adoptive parents own history of losses, teens normal need to separate may be more difficult for adoptive parents. Parents may need support during this time.

Anxiety about unknowns related to child's genetic history. EG. Acting-out teens may be difficult to distinguish from mood disorders.

Teen exploration of their identity can feel more rejecting to adoptive parents because these parents' contributed nurture and not nature. When parents' values are rejected, they may take it more personally.

Sexuality and typical adolescent concerns plus any issues related to child's history; including exaggerated fearful projections relating teen to birth parents history.

Counseling and Parents of Adopted Teens groups can help.

Child may have genuine interest in learning more about or seeing birth parents.

Could provide more information about the reasons for placement; and the family medical and social history.

Teen's identity may be very from them based on the nurture they received. This may stir a lot of emotions for birth parents.

Need to understand their wishes and capacity for relationship with child/teen. May need counseling at this time.

Infertility and Adoption Counseling Center

Located in
Pennington & Montclair
New Jersey & NYC Phone: 609-737-8750 Email: JMantellMSW@aol.com Website: http://iaccenter.com